I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
