After last night, I could never be a politician.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Everyone says I win the strip club
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
