Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
