Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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