I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
