Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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