Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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