I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
