You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
