went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
