shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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