remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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