she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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