There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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