she woke up with a sticky ear
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
