I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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