I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
