Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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