he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
