so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
