I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
