Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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