he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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