hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
