I'm so fucking centered right now
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
