he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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