Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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