grandma shit on top of the toilet
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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