So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
