even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
