My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
