i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
