I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
