I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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