sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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