Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
