she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
