I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
