Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You have to summon your inner elephant
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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