Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
