someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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