It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
