I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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