Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
