Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
