u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
