There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
