You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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