I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
