My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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