Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
