We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think my moral compass just broke
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
