There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
