I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
