Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
